Oh yeah. And this is the cat....

Ok so the caffine has kept me awake a while. And as another twist to my weird, wired state, the following event has just taken place! And I don’t know. It’s all strange.

In fact, I would like say that my life doesn’t feel at all normal anymore. Where are the days where I’d just go to work, read books and drink tea? Gone.

So. After my last post, unable to sleep, I joined you know who in the living room. (I wonder if she sleeps at all? I’ve never seen it.) (And in fact I just have to get something off my chest: she makes me sit on a kitchen chair – in my own living room – because she insists she needs the whole sofa. And I comply. Why? In my house? I’m a mug.) Anyway, while I was sitting there, brimming with caffine and feeling kind of passively enraged, there was a tapping at the window.

Outside was an enormous black cat, (SEE PICTURE – psycho eyes, eh?) with a torn ear. Not the most salubrious of felines and I tried to shoo him away. But Miss H suddenly leapt up (which confirms that the rheumatism she complains of unless I make her cups of tea may not be quite as severe as she claims) and ran over to the window. The next thing they are both sat on the sofa with the cat staring intently at her and Miss H even lifted her veil to reveal her face; not something she does often (Thankfully. Ahem). I asked what was going on, but Miss H just asked why my governesses hadn’t taught me it was rude to interrupt. (That thing I said in my last post about affection for her – I was tired and vulnerable and didn’t mean it. I’ve got my wits about me now.)

Forty minutes later after the cat had eaten the grilled chicken I was
planning to have for lunch tomorrow and it had drunk the last of the milk, Miss H deigned to explain. This, more or less, is what she said.

When the Ffforde (whoever he is) is stripping the books, he focuses on the most important scenes and characters first. This means sometimes a minor character can sometimes get away from him and not get reduced to text. There will be traces of these characters left in the book. They know something about the fake Fforde. Something about a key, Miss H said? She rolled her eyes when I asked what she meant and told me to use my mind and ‘think girl’!

Apparently these characters are all so terrified of him coming back to destroy them if he twigs they could be a danger to him, that they¹ve gone into hiding in fiction. They will only agree to talk over the footnoterphone. Miss H says she can think of a way to get this routed to phone boxes. As long as we do it at the last minute, the fake Fforde won¹t be able to trace them until it¹s too late. The cat (a precocious bastard) says he¹s not afraid of anyone. As some kind of proof of this he shredded my favourite cushion.

Anyway, the upshot is that Miss H thinks we need to find out who the
characters are and then what they know. I¹ve worked out where the cat is from, of course, and I¹m looking through the books we found in Foyles. There are some other odd words apart from those nasty little rhymes. Anyone got any ideas? I don’t know. Talking cats. What next?

I really think red bull is great. It tastes like purple calpol. And it has snapped me out of my blur.

So I have had lots of interesting emails – June and I are thinking of setting up a communal blog in which to put all of your theories – one very interesting. If anyone would object to me putting them up (names omitted) please let me know. Also, I am amazed at how dedicated people have been scouting across the country. I think all books have been found, no? Miss Havisham seems to go into paroxysms of excitement and bossiness with each book-finding report…

Now. I have had something rattling around in my fuzzy head. Let me know what you think. A little while ago, June published a draft of a first chapter of Jasper Fforde’s book that, in the end, never got published. This chapter was entitled Miss Havisham. Did you read it? It’s on her blog.

Ok. As far as I can tell – as a Fforde newcomer – it seems he was writing about an MH long descended from the original old hag of Great Expectations. Like the 27th (!) Miss Havisham. (And I'm too afraid to ask her in case she hits me or something.)

And if so, is this the Havisham I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with? Am I an acquaintance of Miss Havisham 27? The one I know is certainly reminiscent Dickens’ ‘witch of the place’ but then she seems younger and not nearly as cogent as an old timer. And apparently the MH was an accomplished book jumper whereas my MH seemed as boggled as me that she’d managed to pull the bookjump off. In fact, her startled and downright irascible quirks have all the marks of a novice to me (Afterall, id this is the case, she’s had one teaser chapter in which to practise). Plus. I’ve been told that the MH died in a car crash. Didn’t she? Is this the 27th Havisham? What do you all think?

Also, having been discarded from First Among Sequels is that why no-one misses her?

I hate to admit it but I am starting to feel some affection for this petulant and downright annoying virago…

Have you thoughts on my thoughts?

Hello everyone.

I have been feeling odd. I have been sleeping badly and frequently. I’m not concentrating very well. When I do sleep, it seems punctured with nightmarish visions of skewed worlds, locked doors and indecipherable people who aren’t who they say they are. (Apparently there’s this disorder called Capgras syndrome – where people believe that their loved ones have been replaced by an imposter - you know, like they are them but they are not. Has anyone ever felt this? I don’t think I’ve got it but I am feeling odd.) Oh. Ok. I need to gather my thoughts.

June knows where other Dupine books can be found!

Hello Amy,
Here is a list of where the Dupine books are, sorry I didn't email it to you before but I did not go into work yesterday as I was feeling under some weather. Perhaps it is because I have been through the wringer! (what is a wringer?)

june

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Information
Date: 26-Jun-2007 17:05
Subject: Dupine stockists
To: june.haversham@hodder.co.uk


Hi June



What a curious request. Dupine Classics were cheap as chips (look who wrote Wuthering Heights according to them!). I don't know for the life of me why we acquired them. I've been looking for where editions might still be stocked but the database keeps crashing, so I haven't got them all. I think there are a few more in bookshops and libraries up north. But in the meantime, here's what I could find. Apart from Foyle's, where there's quite a few, I think all the places only have one book each.



Best



Bob





Bath, Waterstone's

Birmingham, Waterstone's (New Street)

Bolton, Waterstone's

Cambridge, Border's

Canterbury, Waterstone's

Cheltenham, Waterstone's

Fareham, Waterstone's

High Wycombe, Waterstone's

Ipswich, Waterstone's

Leeds, The Idle Hour

London, Forbidden Planet (what a classic book is doing there, I don't know)

London, Foyle's

Nottingham, Waterstone's

Reading, Waterstone's (Broad Street)


Swindon, Waterstone's

Whitby, The Whitby Bookshop

Yeovil, Waterstone's



And some libraries.

Blackburn Library

Darwen Library

Neath Library

Redruth Library

St Ive's Library

Wokingham Library

Someone sent me an email a few days ago suggesting that the scribblers (the one that I'm entering for that competition) might be being used to construct a rival book or something by a 'Fake fforde'.

Now, I happened to mention it to you-know-who - just making conversation and all - and she has urgently insisted that she issue her own statement to you all. And so I (lucky me) am to be her amanuensis. And here it is.



In her own words:

Be careful. He is not... well. How could he be? If he were well he would never have abandoned me at the altar.

(Miss Havisham wishes to point out that she can write with a quill faster than i can 'tip tap'. She has also complained that the 'tip-tapping' is giving her a headache. In fact, now she has decided she will tip tap herself. Over to you MH)

Ythisishavishamspeaking

(Right. That took her 20 minutes. I'll just get on with it and if I type fast enough she won't be able to insist on me putting in more of her complaints.)

He was

(All right, I'm to say she doesn't complain - she instructs me in a helpful spirit)

He was always very… sensitive about his writing. I understand this. I too have been treated as a secondary character. Like all me he finds criticism hard. Impossible you might say. We do not wish to push him to extremes. He already has many books under his control. If angered, he could destroy them entirely.

He may also have help from others. He has some trouble in writing still, but in person... I can only say he is very persuasive.. and you do not know what
he may try and persuade you to do.

One thing: you tell me that one of our helpers feared he is using the scribblers for his book. This may be true, but the author retains control of unpublished writing. As long as everything between you is in writing, you should be safe. Do not agree to meet him. Do not use the hand-chatterer machine to speak with him. If he has your words it is possible that you may have some control over him. I need to think more on this.

I need to know what he is doing and what he is writing. There will be a clue somewhere.

But be careful. He may have help from inside. There are plenty of disgruntled characters if you know where to look. Do not speak secrets in front of open books.

If all else fails, as many of the authors of the unpublished scribblers must be in the place called Swindon on the seventh. That may be our only chance to stop him. If his book is published, it could spell the end for many.

After much teasing, flattering and coercing of Grande Dame Havisham, she has decided to let me show you her lurrve letters from the errant groom to her during their courtship. I actually had to wrestle them from her stick-like grip, as she was staggering about in search of a match to torch the lot (she is still, to say the least, a little 'angry' with him). Still, I can sort of see why. He's certainly led her up the garden path with a clunky and smarmy charm. But he also has unacceptable sentence structure and I thought she, of all people, wouldn't have fallen for that - she is a real know-it-all, you see.

Anyway, it is a sensitive issue for her, and she doesn't want to be judged by us - she believed at the time that they had something special between them.... And here's how he did it: